Archive for April, 2009

Whole Foods Read My Mind… But Then They Did Something Really Wierd

Friday, April 24th, 2009

OK. I was in Whole Foods today, and it was like they read my mind.

They had eggs in onesies. Actually, it was 3 for a dollar; but there they were just sitting there, in neatly arranged rows with fractional egg cartons on the side for protecting them. It was implied that you could purchase just one if you liked. If you are single and only like to eat eggs once in a while, you should immediately appreciate this. Usually, walking by the egg display in a supermarket is one of those slaps in the face for anyone who is either (A) single or (B) not a glutton. For the vast majority of Americans, married gluttony is the mass-market ideal. Now, Whole Foods is known for attempting to counter that. That they broke down the single-egg barrier didn’t surprise me. That the eggs were advertised as locally raised and cage-free was no surprise either. That they were available in brown and white was certainly no shocker. No, the real shocker was what was next to these eggs.

There were a few really large eggs. No, not “that was a big chicken” large. LARGE. Like, Six inches long maybe.

Ostrich? Nah… I thought. Who eats ostrich eggs? Emu? I’d heard they raise those in various places so that had to be it. When I got home I researched it a bit and found that emu eggs actually tend to be green in color. These were very light brown, and were thus most likely ostrich.

All I can say is… wow. Oh, and get this–they were $29.99. Thirty dollars. For an egg. OK, it’s said to be the equivalent of 20 chicken eggs but… do the math! What on God’s green Earth is going on there? Who buys those things? I mean… just… wow. I want to meet the marketing pro who sold the buyer on this. Yo! Egg wholesaler! I need you to… market my re-branded Ubuntu as a Windows alternative. Come on. This is Silicone Valley, baby. You’re obviously a genius, wasting your talents convincing the buyer that this will sell.

Then again… maybe it does sell. Probably, it sells to people who’ve never had one and want to try it once. The managers probably aren’t stupid. Maybe they even have market research indicating that if you put something really freaky in the cooler, X number of people will buy it for a really high price, and that magic number is how many they had. Then, maybe one guy will come back a month later and say “what happened to the ostrich eggs? Why aren’t they in stock more often?”. That person would, perhaps, be the quintessential Bay Area eccentric…

UPDATE, April 24 2009.

It turns out the ostrich eggs most likely come from Indian Point Ostrich Farms, LLC. They even have a link to Whole Foods on their site. Also, YouTube has videos of people opening the eggs.

It did occur to me that it might be tricky to avoid a mess. Plainly, you can’t just crack it on the edge of the bowl. A number of techniques are employed.

1. Dremel (warning the video is noisy)
2. Big Knife
3. Hammer
3. Professional Hammer (Julia Child makes it look easy)

Oh, and if you’re thinking it’d be easier to hard boil it, think again. According to some sources, you need to boild it for 1.5 hours, and wait a while for it to cool before eating. The real problem though is the eating. None of the groups in these vids are of a dozen people. That’s about how many you need if each person is going to eat the equivalent of two chicken eggs at one sitting.

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The Gold Insurance Policy

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

(work in progress)

Gold is sometimes described as an insurance policy against financial disaster. This got me thinking, if it were sold like most insurance policies it would come with terms, conditions, and disclaimers. So, I decided to write such a policy.

1. This policy insures you against inflation and/or the need to transport wealth across borders, subject to terms and condtions as specified.

2. Insured may choose to cover any portion of their wealth as measured in a local currency. Premium is all the local currency that insured wishes to protect. Upon payment of premium, insured will receive an ammount of gold at the current exchange rate between the local currency and gold.

2a. In addition to the premium, Insured will pay an additional premium (commission) for a physical policy. The additional premium is currently 10% above quoted exchange rates. The policy may currrently be redeemed at close to face value or with small refunds; but historicly has been redeemed at less than face value.

3. Currency exchange rates are subject to frequent and unpredictable changes. This may, radically impact the ammount of coverage to the insured. Be advised that it has been known to take decades for the rate of coverage to return to where it was when the policy was originally purchased.

4. THEFT — Policy does not insure against theft. If insured choses to receive gold in physical form, theft may reduce coverage to zero, resulting in a total loss to the insured. Insured is advised to purchase theft insurance if chosing a physical policy. Note that because policy may insure a large ammount of wealth in a form that is easily transported, there may also be large losses due to theft. Customers wishing to mitigate against such circumstances may wish to consider our silver policy. Please also note that the purchase of theft insurance will result in gradually reducing your coverage against inflation as time passes.

5. FRAUD — Policy does not insure against fraud. Verification of valid coin is the responsibility of the insured. Insured is advised to read the prospectus of a paper gold instrument carefully.

6. GOVERNMENT ACTION — Policy does not insure against government actions specificly directed at policy holders. These include but are not limited to property tax or confiscation resulting in the holding of such policies becoming illegal. Policy holder is advised to carefully weigh the implications of chosing to disobey the government under such circumstances.

7. SOCIAL VALUE — Policy holder is advised that the policy is based on a long standing tradition of gold holding value within most societies. There is no guarantee that society will continue to hold gold in such high esteem.

8. Actual means of transport across borders may be difficult. It is the responsibility of the insured to see that this can occur safely, should such a need arise.

9. “GOLD FEVER” — Insured is advised of the human condtion known as “gold fever”, in which certain individuals who know that gold is present will abandon their usual decorum and sense of morality. This may result in physical harm and/or total loss of your policy if it is known that you are holding. Insured is advised to stay tight lipped about the whole affair.

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